Episode 2: The Flight of the Supernatural Offshore Chelonian Reptile

Introduction:
In the early morning hours, a lowly Cambodian fisherman set out to catch some fish, considering that is what fisherman do, along the banks of the Gulf of Thailand. After sitting still for three days, not catching anything, he finally got a massive bite. His pole danced around like a Frenchman under fire as a hooked fish began to pull line out of the reel. The fisherman picked the rod up in his bait covered hands and gave the rod a mighty jerk, setting the hook.

Much to the fisherman’s dismay, the fish put up little resistance as it was being reeled in. As the fish began to come onto the bank, the fisherman realized it wasn’t a fish at all. It was a blasted sea turtle. Meaning he would have to cut his precious line and re-rig the pole.

As he was about to do just that, a Buddhist priest hiding in a pile of sand popped out and scared the bugaboos out of him. The priest then began to rant and rave about how this turtle he had caught was holy and had the ability to heal the sick.

Overjoyed, they took the poor little turtle away from his habitat and placed him in the Temple where everyone in their brother could lay their filthy hands on him. The sad turtle sat waiting for someone brave and courageous to come and take him away from this life of misery.
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As we walked about the streets of Cambodia, I was trying to figure out why in the world we were here. What good deed could such a great hero like Rodney Peete accomplish in such a place as this.

"Rodney, why are we here?" I asked, puzzled.

"I had a vision last night," said Rodney Peete, "A sea turtle was sitting on a pedestal, it looked sad and like it was longing for its home. I saw people dressed in strange clothing all about him, they seemed to be worshiping him. The turtle wanted none of this, he wanted to swim in the sea and play with the other turtles. To catch his own food, not have people bring it to him. So when I woke up, I knew to come here and free this sea turtle from his captors. I have to return him to the sea, from whence he came."

I was taken back by Rodney Peete’s heart. A heart that cared for every creature, big or small, important or French. Our hero was willing to put his life on the line to free a helpless sea turtle.

"Ba, risk everything for a stupid little turtle," said Pierre, "Americans, you waste your lives for stupid reasons."

"Yeah," I said, "Stupid things like saving the French from the Germans. Why did we save you?"

We walked out of a small city into the countryside. The traveling from there seemed endless, we covered many miles heading toward the mountains off in the distance. After several days, we finally reached a large stone building carved into the side of the mountain.

"That’s a Buddhist Temple," said Rodney Peete. I was flabbergasted how he could have known what that building was without even entering it.

"How do you know?" I asked.

"Well, Big L," said Rodney Peete, I shuddered in the awe of his greatness that spoke my name, "I see little Buddha Statues outside." Once more I was thrown into wonderment on how his eyes could pick up on such small details.

"How do you plan on getting into that large pile of stone?" asked Pierre, "What are you going to do once inside? I am sure they won’t just let you walk up and take their precious turtle. How do you even know this is the right temple? There could be hundreds of temples here in the mountains. You have absolutely no proof that this was the right one."

"That is the same thing the French said when Germany threatened to invade, they wanted more proof," I said, "the next thing the world knows, the Eiffel Tower was flying a Nazi flag." That shut the little pee brain up. I could not believe that the ignorant little turd would doubt the greatness of Rodney Peete.

Rodney had a strange wisdom about him, he contained a knowledge not known to most people. He knew things that my simple American mind could not even begin to fathom.
I looked at the Buddhist temple right in front of us, thinking of what masterful plan Rodney would come up with. How he would get passed all the priests scurrying about, making sure that their holy turtle was cared for?

I glanced at Rodney. The sun was shining down around him, casting a brilliant glow about his body, as he studied the temple.

"I have an idea," said Rodney, snapping me out of my trance, "Look at that statue of Buddha, Big L. Who does it somewhat remind you of?"

I looked at the statue and to my amusement realized Buddha looked much like Pierre. Of course it all made sense though. The Buddhists were pacifists and hated warfare, the French also hated warfare. Although the Buddhists hated war because their religion taught against it, the French hated war because it always meant another humiliating defeat. Intrigued on how Rodney could identify such things, I wondered on how this was going to be a part of the great plan.

"What does that have to do with the plan?" I asked him.

"Well, Big L," once more I a warm feeling came over me ask Rodney spoke my name, "The plan is to dress Pierre up like Buddha, although his nationality is a bit different than the actual Buddha’s that is ok. When the priests see him, they will think Pierre is the Buddha reincarnated. So as they all rush around their returned teacher, you and I will sneak off and grab the turtle then make off for the Gulf of Thailand."

The plan was great...it was better than great...it was awesome. The shire brilliance of Rodney Peete was definitely shining through. At the same time, I was humbled by Rodney Peete including me in the part of the plan with him. That he would allow a simple American white boy like me to take part in such a larger than life scheme.

"I will not defile myself to such a thing," said the pansy. I was quite irritated, usually the French were willing to allow themselves to take positions of high stature. They usually accepted such things with eagerness, mainly because opportunities to be at the top of the totem pole were rare.

"Oh c’mon, Pierre. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for a peon like you," I replied, "You will actually be liked by someone for a change."

After much pestering and coaxing, I finally got the plump Frank to agree. Seconds later we had him dressed in an authentic Buddha costume. It was one of those moments where I wished I had a camera, the already ridiculous looking jelly roll appeared even more hilarious.

The time came and Rodney sent Pierre off, as we crept slowly and quietly behind him. As the bimbo entered the temple, a group of priests ran toward him. Rodney and I were too far away to hear the actual conversation, but the plan must of worked because the priests bowed down in reference of the Fruddha (the name I had come up with for Pierre).

As they continued to be deceived by the peon, Rodney and I quietly made our way into the temple. We ran down the stone corridor, passed thousands of little Buddha statues with torches sitting in them, finally coming to a large table with an awning over it.

Inside I saw the saddest, most unhappy, disturbed, and frightened little sea turtle. Its poor skin was dried out from the not being in the water. Realizing the dire need of the little turtle, Rodney reached out to take it. The turtle crawled into Rodney’s arms unafraid, as if it knew he were coming.

Rodney tucked the turtle underneath his arm and secured it there like it was a football. We quickly turned to race back out, but to our displeasure we heard voices echoing from the entrance, coming to where we were. Frantically, we searched for a place to hide, but none could be found. Knowing that our fate would be decided in any moment, Rodney turned toward the entrance looking determined and prepared to conquer anything that the enemy may throw at him.

Sure enough, a group of priests were coming toward us, carrying a golden throne with Pierre sitting in it. I was amazed at the scrawny priest’s ability to carry such a heavy chair with a fat French seated upon it.

When the priests saw us standing there, with their holy reptile in Rodney’s arms, their mouths dropped open, the golden chair fell to the ground, and Pierre hit the ground like a large boulder.

"Ekaiw, fowhfnwoiegnoerighadkmgjoiwpieufnweriphu8we fjwlvbnm 1390uj bkdajvl qwioweu 908435 8!!" one of the priests screamed at us. At least I was pretty sure there were a couple of nines in there.

"Oh yeah, well, You Suck!" I yelled back, not going to be out done.

"No, You Suck, cracker!" said the same priest, surprisingly in English this time.

Now I was upset, I had just got called a cracker by a statue worshiping moron dressed in his grandmother’s bathrobe . I threw down the things I was carrying in my arms, getting ready to give this idiot the thrashing of his life.

"Silly American," chuckled the priest, "you do not know what you are messing with. I, Ron Chi the Great, will show you the error of your ways. " As I took a step forward to knock his ever loving face off, the priest reached into his bathrobe and whipped out a machine gun. The rest of the group soon followed his lead.

"Uh-oh." I uttered, noticing that I hadn't even brought a knife to a gun fight.

At the sight of the weapons, Pierre hit the ground and covered his head, and lifted a white flag in the air.

"He is French!" shouted Ron Chi, "He cannot be Buddha, the imposter must die!" Ron Chi then lifted Pierre to his feet and pointed the gun at his head. On the outside I appeared concerned for Pierre, for this Ron Chi guy was out of his wits, but on the inside I was chuckling because once more the French had surrendered and Rodney, the Great American Hero, would have to come to his rescue.

"I thought the Buddhists were a peaceful people?" cried Pierre.

"Most are, but the priests of this monastery belong to a new breed of Buddhists," said Ron Chi, "We are set on conquering the world and forcing them to follow the truths of Buddha, washing away all who are unclean. We call ourselves the Radbudd. Now prepare to die you impure scoundrel!"

"Let him go, Ron Chi," said Rodney, stepping forward, starring down the canons of death, unworried about the potential danger. He then handed me the turtle.

"Rodney Peete, you are no match for us," said Ron Chi, letting out an evil laugh, "Your feeble skills will be..." Before he could finish his sentence, Rodney Peete tackled him to the ground.

Bouncing quickly to his feet, Rodney delivered a lung crushing blow to Ron Chi. He then turned and did a double close line, sending two more of the Radbudd crashing to the ground. One Radbudd tried to fire his gun, but Rodney quickly threw one of his footballs and knocked it out of his hand.

Ron Chi jumped back to his feet, and began to dance back and forth like a boxer. He swiftly kicked at Rodney, but Rodney caught his leg and threw a destroying punch. To finish him off, Rodney followed with a roundhouse kick, sending Ron Chi flying across the room and crashing into the table that once held the sea turtle.

With all of the Radbudd lying on the ground in extreme pain, and with Ron Chi on the ground unconscious, we took off toward the entrance with Pierre following and the turtle safely tucked under my arm.

After we had reached the entrance and were safely outside, Rodney stopped and reached into his pocket, pulling out a football. However, this football was not like the ones he used for his balls of fury. As a matter of fact, I had never seen a pigskin with the likes of this one in my life.

"Big L," said Rodney, "I don’t believe in using weapons such as I am holding, for they bring great pain and sadness into the world from the unnecessary deaths that they cause. But this time is different. The Radbudd are a group that could bring bad things to many peoples everywhere, so they must be destroyed." Rodney launched the football back into the temple, and then we all took off running toward the coast as a sudden burst of flames ripped a part the temple behind us.

After we reached the coast, Rodney sat the sea turtle on the ground and pushed it toward the water trying to get it to return from that which it came. The turtle looked up as if to thank Rodney for his heroic deed and then excitedly hurried into the water. Seconds later we saw its flipper like arm reach out of the water and wave good bye to us, then we saw him no more. I was deeply moved as I saw tear stream down Rodney’s cheeks. It touched me that saving the life of a creature like that would mean so much to someone as great as Rodney.

Nevertheless, with the Chelonian reptile back in its natural habitat, and the evil Ron Chi and his evil minions defeated, Rodney headed off for yet another adventure, once again overcoming all opposition and restoring peace and tranquility to a hopeless world.