Episode 3: The Hairless Wig of Forever Wisdom

Introduction:
A very long time ago, just as the Americas were being conquered and colonized by the Europeans, there was a Spanish conqueror, named Cuco the Brave, that set out to defeat a group of Indians that lived near what we call the Grand Canyon.

This group of Indians were a fierce, cannibalistic tribe that terrorized the others around them. The Aztecs and other groups in the area referred to them as the Poo-wee because they stunk of all the dead bodies that surrounded their savage village.

When Cuco from the new world came, the peaceful Indian tribes in the area flocked to him in hopes that he could rid their world of these filthy peoples that caused much war and displeasure across the land.

Cuco started off well, with he and his men slaying hundreds of the Poo-wee and sending them running into the hills. One by one their villages fell to this noble hero. Finally he neared the Poo-wee capital city of Quanca. That is when this great and mighty hero was corrupted.

A little villager came to him and offered him a deal that he could not refuse. If the conqueror would spare the Poo-wee and let them live and help defeat their enemies, he would grant Cuco all the land that he saw as his own. To seal the deal the villager promised to give Cuco a wig with no hair, saying that it would bring him much wisdom and make him wiser than anyone in the land. Cuco took it.

He slew all the surrounding tribes, and expanded much of the Poo-wee territory. The hairless wig that he wore on his head allowed him to see the battles clearer than most human beings. Divide, smash, burn, destroy, stomp, smother, murder, and conquer Cuco did until he could do no more. The whole state that we now know as Arizona was conquered by Cuco, now called the Hairless.

Victorious, he returned to the chief of the Poo-wee demanding that he be given his land. The chief only laughed in his face. Furious, Cuco demanded his share again. Again the chief laughed at him.

This where the story ends. Why, because no one knows what happened after that other than that Cuco the Hairless and his men left the chief’s court and were never heard from again. Even more startling, the whole tribe of the Poo-wee vanished completely from history. No trace of their villages were ever found. No remains, no pottery, no nothing. It is a mystery that is waiting to be solved by some brave and courageaous soul.
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Finally, are travels had brought us back to the good old United States of America. Home of the free and the brave. A land of liberty, equality, and justice for all. But unfortunately, Pierre managed to make it past customs. The little grape-masher did not even have a real American passport. It is one he had gotten of the black market in Singapore.

To add to my discomfort, our flight landed in Indianapolis, Indiana where Rodney defeated another unlikey foe. Perhaps his toughest yet, but that is another story for another time. On that adventure we met up with a guy by the name of Azmorott, who was a rather nut case. But because Rodney Peete helped him, Azmorott promised to help him on this next grand quest.

Azmorott, to fulfill his oath to Rodney, was going to be drive us to the Grand Canyon in his taxi. Rodney was in search of a great artifact of the ancient world, an item he called the hairless wig of forever wisdom. He said that the person who yielded this great article would gain a knowledge so vast it would make them the wisest person throughout the land.

I was astounded that one such as Rodney would need something as this, for I already had thought of him as the smartest human being on the planet. But Rodney soon explained to me that he was not getting it for his personal use, rather to keep it out of the hands of evil. If evil were to possess such a thing, the forces of mankind would be much pressed to overcome it.

We had traveled several hundred miles by car and were nearing our destination, when Azmorott pulled off into a rest stop to refresh and empty our bladders. Rodney headed off into a building to get information about the area. As the rest of us stepped out of the crammed vehicle, I watched Azmorott walk around the back and open up the trunk of his car. I, being the curious dude that I am, went to see what was in there. However, once I saw what was in there, I wished I hadn’t.

Peering into his trunk I saw six shotguns, five hand grenades, four sticks of dynamite, three backpacks filled with C4 explosives, two sniper rifles, and one rocket launcher with an extra rocket. I turned to the nut case to give him an earful.

"Who in their right mind let you out of the looney bin?" I asked him, "You don’t just go driving down the road with explosives in the back of your car. If we had an accident you could kill not only us, but everyone in the entire area."

Azmorott grinned at me and then patted me on the shoulder. "You have to die of something. Might as well make it entertaining." Pierre, shaking his head, walked over and picked the gun up.

"We do not use such things in my great country," said Pierre.

"History shows us that," I replied.

Suddenly, a man wearing a Buddhist’s robe appeared out of a near by trash can, quickly drawing an oozy. Several others began sprouting out from other trash cans, others from under piles of leaves, and others dropped out of the trees. Immediately I knew they were the Radbudd, yet one question remained. Who was there leader?

My question was soon answered, as a figured dressed in a black robe and got out of a black mini van parked next to us. A foot imprint was pressed on his forehead and a dark scar covered his face. Immediately, I knew it was that no good Ron Chi.

"We meet again, cracker" said Ron Chi, "for the last time."

"You know what, things haven’t changed since the last time we met, fart face," I said, "You still suck, fatty!" That statements effect had the same one as last time, except this time Ron Chi made the mistake of pointing his gun at Azmorott. Azmorott had a very short fuse box and one did not simply point things in his face. He might knock your teeth out.

"I don’t know who you think you are, chubby cheeks, but you best get that thing out of my face before I rip out your eyes and use them for golf balls," shouted Azmorott, pushing the gun away. I was amazed at Azmorott’s courageous stupidity, not many people in their right mind would trash talk to a mad man with a gun.

"What are you going to do about it, infidel?" asked Ron chi. I would have just kept exchanging verbal blows with this nut case, but Azmorott had had enough. He swung his fist at Ron Chi. Amazingly, Ron chi dodged the incoming haymaker and followed with a swift kick into Azmorott’s ribs, knocking him to the ground.

With Azmorott down and in extreme pain, I knew Pierre and I were doomed. There was no hope of escaping the doom that was coming toward us in the form of the Radbudd. Not knowing what evil and tortuous things they would do to us, I began to lose all hope of escape. Looking back on the situation now I realized my grave error. I had forgotten about the hero of heroes, the Captain of Courage, the greatest of the greats, the one the only Rodney Peete.

Just as it appeared all hope had faded away, two Radbudd suddenly came crashing through the glass doors of the information center. Through the debris emerged, Rodney, the Defender of good.

He reached into his pockets for his football, preparing for the balls of fury. Realizing that they were in some serious trouble, Ron Chi hurried all of the Radbudd into two eighteen wheelers. But as they hurried to avoid their certain defeat, one of the Radbudd grabbed Pierre and carried him off with them. They posted armed guards on top of their big rigs as, thinking that would deter Rodney from coming after them. The fact they had Pierre would have caused me to leave them well enough alone, but Rodney wanted to rescue Pierre again.

"Yo Rodney," said Azmorott, "I have a rocket launcher in the trunk, I could just blow that truck to kingdom come. No more problems."

"No, Azmorott, killing is never the answer. It only brings about pain." said Rodney.
Quickly, we dashed into the car. Azmorott put the pedal to the medal, and we raced toward the big rigs. The first rig was absolutely thrilled to see us, so much in fact they greeted us with several rounds of ammunition. The rigorous hail of murderous bullets and the high speeds at which we were traveling did not phase Rodney, instead he climbed out the passenger window and on top of the speeding vehicle. From this point, I did not have a clear angle on Rodney himself but I could see the effects of him.

Miraculously, Rodney began throwing the balls of fury into the oncoming wind. If even more amazing than that the pigskins were defying the law of physics, gravity, and any other scientific law (other than chaos), striking the perched guards with a deadly percussion. One by one they were struck and fell off the trucks and onto the pavement, being crushed by the oncoming traffic.

I then saw another football launch, but this one had a cord streaming out the back. It struck the top of the truck and latched itself to the top. Seconds later I saw Rodney take a leap and faith and float through the air ,like no other human being could ever do, and crashed through the back doors of the trailer.

I was mesmerized as Rodney dodged the hail of bullets that was continually being sprayed at him. Suddenly one of the Radbudd charged at Rodney, but the foolish man went sailing off the back and crashing into our windshield as Rodney sidestepped out his way.

Azmorott began swerving all over the road from not being able to see because of the guy lying on his windshield in a splatter of his own blood. Flipping the windshield wiper switch, Azmorott attempted to remove the now decaying corpse from his vision, but this was of no use.

Suddenly we felt a large jolt as something hit our vehicle, but I soon realized that it was Rodney coming to clean off the window and rejoining us. I was boggled at how he performed such a daring and dangerous task without even hesitating, oblivious to the perils that could very well claim his life.

"He wasn’t in there," said Rodney, with the words flowing gracefully off his lips.

"Darn," said Azmorott, "I say we turn those buddy Buddha lovers into one giant crater."

"How would you do that?" I asked. With an evil grin on his face, Azmorott punched a button on his dash board. As soon as he pressed the button, the front fenders of the opened up and revealed two cruise missile launchers.

"Put those away, Azmorott," sternly, but calmly said Rodney. It was astonishing to me that Rodney could set a crazed lunatic like Azmorott back in his place without even raising his voice. Disappointed, Azmorott pushed the same button and put his toys away.

We raced on toward the second truck. As we approached, a guard on the top of the rig jumped off and landed perfectly on our hood. He raised his gun to fire, and bullets bounced off and through our windshield. I dove behind the passenger seat, Azmorott swerved back and forth all over the road trying to get the dip wad off his car, and Rodney heroically climbed out the window to square of with the beancake. I peeped my head around the seat to watch Rodney kick the ever loving fiddlesticks out of this merry-andrew.

Rodney wasted no time, he reached and stole the gun right out of the dude’s hands, throwing it off the side. Next Rodney laid the rock bottom on that sorry biscuit, and popped a squat on his chest. Right, left, right, left the punches went as Rodney beat the guy senseless.

Meanwhile two other guards on top the trailer appeared and greeted Rodney with a hail of lead. Rodney reached into his back pocket and unleashed the balls of fury. The bullets stopped dead in their tracks at the sight of the raging pigskins. The first guard caught several blows into his gut causing him to spit up his kidneys. The second guard pooped his pants at the sight of the incoming projectiles and was soon knocked faceless as his kisser was crushed by the perfectly spiraling football.

Rodney threw the other guy off into the road, just as the trailer doors opened. A snot load of Radbudd leaped out at Rodney. Half didn’t jump far enough and became speed bumps, another half leapt too far and collided with traffic in the other lanes, and the last half crashed into our hero, sending him crashing through the windshield.

Looking out the window I realized that we had reached the Grand Canyon, unfortunately I didn’t have the time to enjoy the breath taking site, for I realized our cab was headed toward a guard rail.

Amazingly, our hero must have realized this too for he frantically began tossing the Radbudd off of him. Meanwhile Azmorott tried to stop the vehicle, managing to slow it down, but it was of no use the vehicle was too close to begin slowing down. It would soon hit the guard rail spelling our certain doom.

"We are going to have to jump for it," said Azmorortt.

"Yes, its are only chance of surviving," said Rodney, throwing the last Radbudd off of him. He then tried to get up, only to realize that his leather jacket was caught between the hood and the windshield.

"Ok, now!" shouted Azmorott.

"Wait," I cried in sheer terror, "We can’t leave Rodney!"

"Don’t worry about me Big L," said Rodney, nobly and yet sadly, "Go!"

Azmorott and I dove out the doors. We hit the ground rolling, minus a few scrapes and bruises, surprisingly uninjured. However, that was not our concern. Our attention quickly turned back to the taxi heading toward the guard rail.

We watched in disbelief as Rodney tried to free himself. Seconds later our hearts were crushed as the vehicle slammed through the guard rail and sailed off into the clear blue yonder.

I jumped to my feet and sprinted to the canyon’s edge closely followed by Azmorott. Looking down into the canyon far below we made out a speck free falling toward the floor. Moments later a massive fireball rose up from the canyon.

Azmorott and I began to weep uncontrollably. As snot and tears ran down our faces, we dropped to the ground in agony. For the hero of our hearts, King of the touchdown pass, Master of the Grid Iron, and mostly importantly our quarterback had perished. What good could possibly be in the world now? Who would stand to bring down the evil dominions that would stand to oppose all who stand for justice? The last great American hero was no more.

Suddenly we heard the sound of crumbling rocks. I glanced over to see out of the corner of my right eye, a pinky finger. Soon a tattered fedora appeared, and to my delight Rodney pulled himself up.

Beaten, bloody, and scarred from the fall and intense fighting, Rodney stood to his feet. Azmorott and I stood there in complete amazement. How could he have done it? How could he defy death? I realized I should not be asking myself these questions and just accept it. For with Rodney, you had to expect the unexpected, dream the unthinkable, and believe that the impossible was going to be accomplished.

"Let’s go get Pierre and the Hairless wig before the Radbudd get their corrupted hands on such a relic," said Rodney, as if nothing even happened. He strode off into the sunset, determined to obtain his prize.

The journey to the canyon floor was long, hard, and hot. The hot Arizona sun beat down upon us and a dry humid breeze added to the misery as we rode down on the backs of mules. Despite the long, boring adventure to the bottom, we made it alive, a little thirsty though.

We walked on for a little while longer, until we came to another cave entrance. Remembering our last encounter with a cave, I figured Rodney would be hesitant to enter, I sure was a bit weary. Rodney, however, appeared unconcerned as he started to walk into the cave. Suddenly a shot echoed through the canyon, soon followed by more. Azmorott let out an agonizing scream and fell to the ground.
Rodney ran to Azmorott, who laid on the ground unmoving, not caring about the continuing fire of the snipers.

"Azmorott, say something," cried Rodney. It again moved my heart to see Rodney distressed over his fallen comrade.

Azmorott moved his lips, as if to speak but no sound came out. His chest began to beat heavily and then it was his end. I could feel his last breath coming, as did Rodney. Tears began to pour down Rodney’s cheeks as Azmorott passed on out of this world into a realm not known to any man. Rodney laid his head on Azmorott and went completely silenced. My own heart was very deeply grieved for the loss of our friend.

Suddenly Rodney got up, with a look of anger upon his face. He reached into his back pockets and whipped out three shotguns. Rodney pitched one to me.
Stunned that Rodney was actually using firearms, I glanced at the weapon I held within my grasp. It was a doubled barrel shotgun with the letters RP engraved on the wooden handle. The grip on the handle appeared wooden, but it had the texture of a football.
Rodney spotted two snipers upon the mountainside. He quickly raised the guns, one in each hand, and fired, hitting both of them. Flipping the gun, he re-pumped the guns, flipping them back to a firing position.

Hotheadedly, Rodney stormed into the cave as I cautiously followed behind. Inside the cave we saw the Colorado river following in the underground cavern. Lying next to the water’s edge were hundreds of bones and pieces of human remains. Several banners of Spanish conquistors, different Native weapons, and some other dead and spooky stuff covered the ground.

But what soon caught my attention was Ron Chi and his evilly wicked minions were standing around a small pedestal. On the pedestal sat a quite peculiar object, it looked like a swimmers cap yet it was the color of human skin. Then I knew what it was, the HAIRLESS WIG of FOREVER WISDOM!!! Those Buddhists of mayhem had put their filthy hands upon it, for if they unleashed its power it would spell our certain doom.

"You are too late, Rodney Peete, hahahhaha!!!" frighteningly laughed Ron Chi.

"Drop dead, fruitcake!" I shouted, "it is never too late for Rodney. He is going rip out your intestines and strangle the air out of your lungs!"

"Go ahead, make my day, fatty" said Ron Chi, "it is not I you have to worry about, ignorant little American. Pierre is the one who will lead my people to victory. Buwhaha!" I about collapsed with laughter. This bimbo actually thought Pierre could lead someone to victory, when in reality the only place he could lead them was into occupation and captivity by a foreign nation. Nonetheless, Ron Chi picked up the hairless wig and prepared to place it on Pierre’s head.

"Don’t" said a heroic voice. The intensity with which that one word was said brought a silence upon everyone. It sent chills down my spine. "Ron Chi, you will not unleash a terrible fate upon us all, but the entire world." Ron Chi ignored Rodney’s noble warning, and with another annoying evil laugh he placed the hairless wig on Pierre’s head.

At once, the terrible fate begin to take place. A violent earthquake shook the entire cave, knocking us to the ground and dropping piles of rock upon some of the unsuspecting Radbudd. The water in the river began to bubble and suddenly a large beast arose from it. To our horror we realized it was a giant naked beaver that stood as tall as the cavern (which was about 20 feet), it had a massive tail that could unleash a great fury upon its unfortunate victims.

Pierre quickly pulled the hairless wig off and ran for it, faster than I have seen any Frenchman run in my life. Ron Chi quickly tried to follow in his footsteps, but the beaver smacked him with his tail, wailing him across the cavern into the wall.
I turned to see what great move Rodney would pull off, how he would conquer this enormous hairless rodent.

The beaver approached him, letting an awful cry as it neared. Rodney stood there with the shotguns in hand, ready to slay this foul foe. Rodney raised the guns to fire, but the beaver swing its massive tail and knocked them away. It then swung back around and knocked Rodney’s legs out from under him. Hitting the ground hard, Rodney lay motionless.

Lowering its massive clawed paws, the beaver lifted Rodney and proceeded to devour him. Once in the creature’s grasp, Rodney balled his hands into a fist and slammed into the side of the beaver’s head, causing its entire body to go off balance. However, the beast quickly regained itself.

Struggling to free himself, Rodney pulled out twenty bottles of Mountain Dew from his shirt pocket. He tossed them into the beaver’s throat. Letting out a horrific roar, the creature dropped Rodney, and began choking on the liquid within its system.
Reaching within his back pockets, Rodney went for the balls of fury, having an accuracy and precision only he is capable of. They bounced of the beaver’s exposed skin. The constant volley proved too much for the beaver and it soon fell to the ground.

As soon as it hit the canvas, strange impulses began to be seen moving throughout the beaver’s body. Then before our very eyes it transformed into a knight dressed in shining armor. He moved toward Rodney with a look of disbelief upon his face.

"How could you defeat me, the great Cuco the Hairless? I even had the hairless wig," said Cuco, the knight which had appeared from the beaver. Being the humble guy he is, Rodney said nothing. But I knew why it was possible, it was simply because he was Rodney Peete.

"I guess now the Hairless Wig should belong to you," said Cuco.

"No, I think something of such evil should be destroyed," said Rodney, "As valuable as such an artifact is, the evil which could be used through it would only cause more trouble in this fallen world. It must destroyed." Cuco looked at Rodney, and then simply walked over and picked the hairless wig up.

"So be it," said Cuco. Then he and the wig spontaneously vanished from sight, as I stood there in complete wonder.

"Rats," I said as I saw Pierre approaching us, "you survived. I was hoping the Radbudd would take you with them. I a mean they ran as about as fast as you did when they saw that beaver. I thought you had found your kind at last."

"No way, I will never travel with such scum again," said Pierre, "I was hungry and they tried to feed me a double cheeseburger. They were becoming Americanized."

"Yep," I said, "the French could only hope to advance as far." With that being said our journey came to end.

Rodney had once again saved Pierre from his certain and most likely of doom, costing us the life of a dear friend. But the Hairless wig and all of the evil which it obtained had been destroyed, thus the day had been saved by Rodney. The world could now once more return to normal as to before the days of the Hairless Wigs creation.
I only hoped that our next adventure would be as entertaining. What would Rodney do to save mankind from its destruction? What good deed would he do for the world? One could only wait, for when it happened Rodney’s greatness would only be proved once again.